The usefulness of walls

Feeling pursued, that's how it feels to be me sometimes. Touch can feel extremely invasive, like the person touching is trying to claim ownership of my body. Questions about what I'm doing can feel intrusive in a similar way. Even something as simple as being asked how I am can bring up a lot of resistance in me. 

This is nothing new, but my awareness and acceptance of it is different. I don't know what the solution is, or if there is even a solution, other than acknowledging what I'm feeling and trying to communicate it directly without too much of a charge.

These days I feel less guilt about saying no, but notice I still carry an underlying feeling of being a disappointment, of causing pain to others, of being incapable of meeting their needs. And that can cause me to waver, feel confusion and chaos, and forms, I think, an habitual response of no in me that happens so automatically I don't have a chance to check in with myself.

Other times, when I don't know how to say no, I simply disappear. I suppose it feels too risky to do anything else. Like if I'm not who I think they want me to be, I'll lose their adoration. And adoration is an interesting word choice. It implies distance; after all, I'm not writing that I'm afraid I'll lose their love. I think what I'm afraid of is not being seen as special.

Some days I want to wear a sign around my neck that says: Please, have no expectations of me. And while that's the gist of it, it's unrealistic of me to expect others to desire nothing from our connection. Obviously I want relationships with people. I don't want to be cold and distant. I want to listen to myself. And sometimes that means constructing a wall in order to feel safe.

For many years I lived believing walls were bad and I needed to remove them all to discover my "authentic" self -- that to live any other way was living in a cell. While I don't regret that passage in my life, I see things differently now. I'm learning that I can build and tear down walls at will. It isn't all or nothing, but about listening to myself.