I've noticed, particularly on Facebook, that we mostly pass around others' art, opinions and news as a way of expressing ourselves. I don't think I'm judging this trend -- well, maybe a little, but only because I want to know how you feel about some of this stuff -- but I know that lately when I'm moved to share my own thoughts, I am quick to judge them as melodramatic or infantile, as not edgy or witty enough, or simply as incomprehensible shit. (And right now I hear the voices in my head of dozens of people over the years who've said, "Chris, you're too hard on yourself!" And me replying, "Yeah, you're right. But how do I stop?")
Partly what keeps me from self-expression is recognizing the importance of writing clear thoughts and images. But that's not the whole of the story. Another part is my fear of being vulnerable. It's as alive as a predatory animal. And it's been stalking me for years.
So I've been running for years. Running, and when I'm too tired, collapsing into some hole in the ground, making myself small, hiding from the light. Never really getting enough rest because I live with the knowledge that I can't say hidden and I can't keep running. So what's left? Surrender? Does that mean I pick up the biggest stick and beat that animal senseless, or do I look it straight in the eye, offer up my legs instead?
I often post stuff on facebook, then immediately delete it. Thinking who gives a shit. Weird, eh?
ReplyDeleteBeloved,
ReplyDeleteI hear your voice. My experience is that the questions some how lead me to the answers. I have alway heard that our vulnerability is our strength yet when I feel as fragile as spun glass, that does not help. Yet I have found that the more I express my vulnerability, the freer I feel. I actually know longer feel lost. Miracle!
Thank you for sharing your experience- for me it creates a sense of connection. May the road rise up to meet you.
I actually had not seen this before- I like the starkness of this format.