This morning I remembered a foggy Sunday morning from the backseat of a car driving east on King Street. I was about 15. We were looking for something to do. I was bored, broken, dirty, numb. I can't imagine how I appeared to others back then. Did I talk? Laugh? I packed an entire lifetime of seediness into a few short years. So many strangers. So much strangeness. But I don't have a sense of who I was or what role I played in all of it.
Sometimes when I think about the past it feels like I'm sitting on a landmine. And that one day all those buried memories and feelings will explode and I'll be torn from the earth along with them. Sometimes I still feel like that girl is lost, riding around in the backseats of cars, mute, needing my love.
Chris, your writings not only lead to the doors of your past but also encourage me to discover my own; and, you show me that compassion provides the keys.
ReplyDeleteReading this reminds me of the dead feeling I felt so often as a girl. I can remember feeling a rare spark of life, trying to track why. I felt it when we had the occasional Chinese food- always the same- egg rolls, sweet and sour pork and won ton soup. My friend BrrBrr, a 54 year old polar bear, has helped me trace my way back to that girl. May we all find a way to give those lost boys and girls our love.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, our minds - which are truly amazing - AND, lets face it, have protected us and got us through to today - give us back what we need to know or remember as we are able to manage it, and in precise amounts?
ReplyDeleteI remember a specific day, I was in my car, looking for someone else - it was in this moment I realized all the while I had really been looking for myself. Today it's happening, and it's both exciting and scary. It feels like, bit by bit, a stripping away of everything that's Not, to uncover what was actually there all along. The beauty is that perhaps it's not that far off from any one of us.
You're insightful and wise to direct that energy to yourself. You deserve it! I am so happy to have read your blog today, I needed it. In your search you are helping others. NICE!
xx
How is today?
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