Powerlessness. That's what I run from, what we all do to some degree as human beings. Tonight I felt powerless and remembered the last time I felt powerless and how then, only a couple of months ago, I had to run, get in my car and speed 30 miles away from that fucking feeling. Tonight I let myself experience it. I felt it in my body. And there are no words, only pain.
Even if I'd read all the books in the world about the human condition, without connecting my own dots, without leaving the safety of my head, entering my body, feeling what it's like and surviving the experience, I'd still be running. Because it's why I've been running all my life. The years of chaos and numbness and anxiety and addictions and the fear of abandonment that bent me in ways I was not supposed to bend. It all boils down to this: the terror of being powerless.
Thank you for writing about your experiences. They are encouraging and point back to my own life; that I become stronger as I actively choose how I live and not abandon myself when confronted with challenges.
ReplyDeleteOh Chris... I read your blog as tears streamed down my face as I feel you and your courage to continue your journey of transcending the shadow. I cry because I am that what you have just experienced, I am that what you just felt and I feel our sisterhood and the deep love that I have for you. Thank you Chris for your devotion to love and your outstanding courage. I love you... GO BEAUTIFUL LADY !!! xoxo DL
ReplyDeleteDL, I KNEW you'd GET this and was going to share it with you so I was happy to see you'd already been here. It's so amazing this connection we have and I'm grateful for it often. It lives on in me whether you're at a KOA in Arizona, a tiny purple coffee shop in Montana, or right next door. You're in my heart. I think of you and Garner often. All my love. XOXO
ReplyDeletehaving trouble stringing any words together, but want to say i read this and
ReplyDeletewow, i get it.
thank you xx
Lisa, it feels good to be "gotten."
ReplyDeleteThanks for saying so.