Yesterday I wrote in my journal that I wished there was a big wheel I could spin and wherever it stopped, that was my destination. And then I judged myself for the thought, calling it abandoning myself, the equivalent of looking to others to make decisions for me. This morning I see another side and that is simply confusion.
When I came home a couple of weeks ago from a poetry retreat I felt hope and excitement. Now I feel despair. Sometimes I think I live in those two places and not in the space in between where my voice and reality live.
There's a Broken Social Scene album called Feel Good Lost and for a while those words spoke to me. But right now I don't want to feel lost; it doesn't feel good. I don't want to linger in the shadows and yet I know the futility of fighting what is.
When I feel closed down like this it's easy to believe I am missing some integral part of being a functioning human. It's uncomfortable and confusing and the voices in my head are all at odds. They say that I'm not okay and that I'm okay. That I'm lacking, that I'm not lacking. That I'm listening to myself, that I'm not listening. That I'm taking things too seriously, that I'm not taking them seriously enough. That I can trust myself. That I can't trust myself.
Maybe it's as simple as this: like the sun I rise every day. Some days are cloudless and others can't be penetrated, but I'm still here.
I am glad to find 'you are still here' and that you continue to courageously speak of your experience.
ReplyDeleteI can see we are experiencing such a similar journey... feeling cooped in so that I can feel my freedom... I have been feeling such an opposite energy to a lot of things lately... happy and deeply saddened, free and a prisoner and then some times I get to just coast, in between the opposites and that has its opposite as well of running all over the place without grounding... AHHHHHH I breathe and acknowledge and then accept as I am able. Keep up the amazing work Chris... I love you... xoxo DL
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